WRITTEN BY CHERYL WELLS
I am the adult child of an alcoholic, and it has lifelong implications for me. I know there are many of us out there. The more I learn about alcoholism and recovery I am aware that alcoholism effects every household. Every household is exactly what I said. Through relationships in your family, there is someone addicted to alcohol – or drugs, maybe even prescription, that has touched your life and had an impact. Maybe you have to really think about this and go back in your family history or maybe it is a cousin or even your spouse’s family. Have you felt like you had to “help them” in some way? Did you get hurt by something they did to you or someone you love? Did you bail them out when they were in trouble? Has it cost you sleep or peace in some way? Have you been angry with them or tried in some way to control what is happening?
My father was an alcoholic and drug addict, as well as both of his parents. He died at age 66 from it. My grandmother on my father’s side died before I was born and my grandfather on dad’s side died when I was a young child. Both of them died of cirrhosis of the liver. I never met Grandpa Abramo because my dad wasn’t in relationship with him at that time. My grandfather, Samuel Abramo, lived in Sioux City and worked at the Sioux City Journal until he passed. He came as an immigrant from Italy and brought his siblings also. He was the oldest child in his family.
He remarried shortly after his wife Violet Abramo (my grandmother) died. They had some children together and we never met them, I don’t know what her name is. My dad never received an inheritance when his father died. It all went to grandpa’s second wife and her children. I don’t believe that he went to the funeral. My dad had one younger brother that he raised at the point that grandma died, and grandpa remarried. My uncle was in high school, and my dad had just married my mom. My mom was 15 at the time. They took my uncle into their home. This is a very sad story, and as you can imagine there was so much pain in the family for everyone.
Ok, now you know a lot about me. It’s ok, I don’t hide these things, and I have come out of denial a long time ago. There came a time in my life that I had an awareness of things that were off, that were not good. I have known for over 45 years that there was a lot of dysfunctions in my family. Actually, I knew before that, but couldn’t determine what was wrong or why. I became determined in my young twenties to uncover and work on myself. I learned a lot about codependency and boundaries, as well as the 12 steps. Interesting word that I just chose – uncover. I chose to look at things that were so ugly and painful and it meant that I had to look at myself too. I wasn’t an alcoholic, but I had my own crazy behaviors also. I had to be willing to see the truth and even share it with someone else. I highly recommend the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and her daily reader, The Language of Letting Go. There are also so many groups that would be super important for recovery like Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Adult Children and even Ala-non and Ala-teen.
I will never forget when I went to the family sessions the first time with my dad at a treatment center. They said that it was a family disease and that I had a part. What?? I was a child that just happened to be born into this crazy family. The truth is that I now know that it followed me into my family. How could that be? It turns out that when I married, they had their own stuff too, but that’ not my story to tell. Wow! Now think about my family pain and trauma and my husbands. That’s even crazier now. Yep, that’s the way it works. Until someone starts to get well.
It just takes one step. Step one in AA is: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable. That relates to anything going on in our lives that we can’t stop doing. I am powerless and my life has become unmanageable. I need help! I need God to help me and all I have to do is cry out and humble myself. I love the book Courage to Change, and it is the story of the start of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is the story of the beginnings of the movement that has helped and saved so many alcoholics and addicts and their families over the years. The story goes way back to 1926, and it talks about two alcoholics, financially ruined New York stockbroker Bill Wilson and the very sick and broke physician Dr. Bob Smith. They both had a conversion experience where they surrendered their lives to Jesus Christ. Bill never drank again but Dr. Bob, after giving his life to Jesus, continued to struggle with drinking. They began working on the Twelve Steps of Recovery, which the steps came from the Bible, but they are steps that have to be worked on and lived out. They wrote the “Big Book” which contained the road map and is the source for the recovery ideas that is the basis for many twelve-step programs today. They simply are steps to clean up the past and focus on developing healthy relationships through setting good boundaries.
That first step of admission that AA says has to start with having an awareness and then accepting the truth of our situations, must then be followed by a second. Step two says that I came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Yes, living with a lot of pain and denial leads us to insanity. But there is hope and there is healing. I have mentioned several books and groups that could help you if this is something that you even want to explore. Maybe you’re not sure, but you kind of feel like something is off and that your life is unmanageable. Don’t waste another moment, another month, or another year. Many people have waited, and years turn into decades of destruction in your life and your soul. You may not use alcohol or drugs, but your life is a mess because you love someone who does. Your problem may not even look or seem to you like it has anything to do with alcoholism. Get the book Codependent No More and start to read it. Don’t stop when it makes you mad or offends you. Keep reading and keep praying and ask God to show you what He wants to. Walls of denial are hard to bring down, but I believe that awareness will come. If you become aware of something that might make you stop and think, then be willing to accept what it might be. It’s all good when the truth comes to you and recovery starts. I learned to be gentle with myself and also to have compassion, for myself and for others. I’m praying for you. Recovery is a lifelong process, and God will lead you by His Spirit with love. He knows and He cares for you. You are safe.
